


Euphoria

by TaMeaut



Series: Euphoria [1]
Category: Musa Baek Dongsu | Warrior Baek Dong Soo
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Hardcore, M/M, Madness, Smut, Violence, swap
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-22
Updated: 2012-02-08
Packaged: 2017-10-29 22:49:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,236
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/325041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TaMeaut/pseuds/TaMeaut
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happened to the puppy you played with and cherished, that one day ran away, throwing away your affection. How did he survive on his own, has he grown in to the wolf you imagined and would he still remember you if you met again? Would you want him back to again cherish him? Or would you prefer to take your revenge on him for abandoning you without an explanation?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Title** : Euphoria  
 **Series** : Warrior Baek Dong Soo  
 **Soundtrack** : Euphoria – Vamps  
 **Spoilers** : -  
 **Time frame** : Ep. 17 (first meeting after three years)  
 **Summary** : What happened to the puppy you played with and cherished, that one day ran away, throwing away your affection. How did he survive on his own, has he grown in to the wolf you imagined and would he still remember you if you met again? Would you want him back to again cherish him? Or would you prefer to take your revenge on him for abandoning you without an explanation?  
 **Excerpt** : “ _Do you want to make me bleed for what I said then? Do you want to take your comfort in my pain for all the unforgivable things I have done, the people I have killed?_ ”  
 **Pairings** : Baek Dong, Soo/Yeo Un, Yeo Un/Baek Dong Soo  
 **Word count** : ~13000  
 **Rating** : NC-17 (hardcore smut, angst, violence, some madness and fluff (if you squint) )  
 **Warning** : Not for the faint of heart cause I am going all out here...  
 **Other** : This is how the first meeting between Dong Soo and Un after three years apart should have been in ep. 17! Courtesy of Cherkell that gave me the idea of the brilliant scenario. Also this is the spiritual sequel to “Black Star”, however you can also read it on its own. Words in “ ** _bold_** ” is original dialogue from series.  
 **Thanks** : to everyone who desired a “swap*”-fic. Thanks to nitsa where I nicked the phrase “Don't think too much, it's simple.” and to dfjules that I nicked the concept “from puppy to wolf” from.

_*interchanging seme/uke rolls in the same fic_

__________________________________________________________

 

_“All go mad, its usual  
if you wanna taste this gentle sin  
have a bite  
you're soon gonna like it  
look at this euphoria  
so extreme  
you won't be fulfilled elsewhere...”_

 

**CHAPTER I: This is Me...**

I can see it in your tear pregnant eyes. You don't really believe that I will actually coldly cut your throat. You think it is all a façade and that any moment now I will break into a smile and tell you it was all a joke. Somewhere inside you still think I am the Un-ah you have seen growing up with Dong Soo and Cho Rip. Innocent children playing games that feign reality. Well, sorry to disappoint you, Jin Gi, but I am not innocent anymore, I never have been, and this is not an act. This is me. This is me raising my blade, ready to tear a gash in your windpipe for no other reason then that you came in my way.

“ ** _Do not blame me._** ” The combination of words that have become my mantra these years have completely lost their meaning but I cannot stop myself from saying them as my blade starts it descent. And if not for a loud shout halting me midway you would already be but a distant memory bleeding over my shoes.

“ ** _What are you doing?_** ” Ji's exclamation is a slight surprise to me but then again she has always been soft at heart. It is almost comical how, a second later, the very same words are echoed back from In but with a wholly different meaning.

“ ** _What are you doing?_** ” Should I feel conflicted? I don't. Still having my blade raised I see no reason to discontinue what I have already started. I admit that your face is slightly familiar and maybe it should unnerve me a little thinking that I am killing someone from my past, someone I once knew, but it is not enough. You are just not important enough.  
Then, again, a loud voice is heard. Again, I halt my motion. However this time it is not my mind stopping the blade but my body, for the voice I hear speaking is resonating inside me in the most disturbingly familiar way.

“ ** _Stop!”_** Just one word and I freeze, like a lake in deep winter. For this is the voice I have yearned to hear for over three years. The voice that has been haunting my dreams and nightmares. The voice of the man that relentlessly taught me friendship, honour, love and all those other completely unnecessary feelings.

Baek. Dong. Soo.

Almost against my will my face slowly turns your way, as if a dark desperate craving makes me move even though I fight it with my entire force of will.

“ ** _Un-ah..._** ” You are breathtakingly luminous, I feel like looking straight into the Sun and the way my name melts of your lips makes me think of dark nights, damp grass, caresses, sighs and kisses. I narrow my eyes as you turn too bright for me.  
“ ** _Put your sword away._** ” I would like to say something very clever in reply but my mind is blank like a white sheet of paper and before I get a chance to make a complete fool out of myself I am saved by In spitting his words at you.

“ ** _You! You must be still out of your mind._** ” This is probably the only time I have ever felt that that incompetent psycho has actually been of any help whatsoever. For your very presence has rendered me completely void of clever remarks or profound wisdom. You, just standing there, move my very soul out of place. You, looking at me with those eyes, shake me to the core and I feel an almost acute need to say your name out loud. Then, before I again can make a fool out of myself, I am saved by another psycho.

The Chinese claiming to be the new Master of Heuksa Chorong draws his sword and places it against your neck. Somehow it makes me curiously angry and I feel a ridiculous need to reach out and remove the sharp object from your tender skin, however you just break my gaze and smile.

“ ** _Someone once said...A sword is wielded not by your hand but by your heart._** ” You are so calm and composed, it is slowly unnerving me. And your profound words, so unlike you, make me think of how you so easily rendered me completely speechless by your very appearance. When did you become so much more mature than me? When did you cage your impulsiveness until your very essence is calmer than Mount Taisan? Then, as if that was not enough, in one inhumanly fast move you grab the sword pointed at your neck and reverse the situation by pointing it back on your attacker. When did you become so fast, and accurate? I am sure my eyes are giving me away for as you look again on me, your eyes are dancing.  
“ ** _Also, only desperate heart can truly move sword._** ” Touché. Not only do you render me breathless, voiceless and helpless. You also know exactly what to say to make me think you know what moves me. I would like to protest but unfortunately your words carry such a weight that I can only applaud your insight.

“ ** _Your martial art is great. But you're still young._** ” The Chinese's words give away his stupidity. Yes, your martial arts is great however it matters not a single grain that you are young. I am just as young and the things I have done in name of Heuksa Chorong would drown this old Chinese ajussi in rivers of blood. My hands itch to rid the world of his annoying presence however he manages to save himself in the last minute by sheathing his sword and walk off with most of “my” underlings drawing a bewildered comment from In.

“ ** _Sky Lord...?_** ” Then, In, to hide his embarrassment of not understanding his masters actions he turns to me and gives me a an order I don't even pretend to hear.

“ ** _Hurry up and finish him off._** ” Does he really think I would follow such an absolutely ridiculous order coming from him? I would sooner finish him off for trying to rule me. However, I must thank him for giving me plenty of time to regain my senses that got so brutally blunted by your appearance. Finally I can smile with my mouth, keeping my eyes blank, unreadable. I will no longer give myself away by saying what I have been thinking the entire time you have been standing there.

“ ** _You've gotten much better._** ” It is the understatement of a century but it is enough, for now.

“ ** _You will hear about me a lot in the future. Joseon's best swordsman...Baek Dong Soo._** ” So not only are you calm, composed, quick and skilled, wise and profound. You are also the most confident man I have ever met, you always have been. You are everything I am not. I would very much like to hate you but all I can do is admire the supreme force emanating from you. You make me smile, when I want to cry.

“ ** _Joseon's best swordsman?_** ” For a second I feel as if we are back to who we used to be. You words echoing over the years that have passed. It has a very nice ring to it, I admit that, it is most probably true, even. But, Dong Soo, have you forgotten? You might be Joseon's best swordsman but I am, beyond a shadow of a doubt, Joseon's very finest assassin.  
I might not be as cockily confident as you.  
I might not have your beaming charisma or talent for words.  
But, as inhumanly lightning-fast as you were in disarming the Chinese Heuksa Chorong, I am...faster.

Before you have the time to blink, my sword is already in your face, only millimeters from your eyes, cutting a mischievous lock of your hair. As the strands starts to softly float through the air my sword is already sheathed and your eyes no longer burn with infinite confidence. Have your breath painfully caught in you lungs? Are you silently cursing your bloated ego as you realise that maybe you have grossly underestimated the situation, and me? Are you thinking that not even on your best day, trying your hardest, would you have been able to deflect that strike? If you are not, then I will show you how truly terrifying the true Lord of Heuksa Chorong can really be.

“Baek. Dong. Soo. I do not appreciate interruptions. Unless...you want to take his place.” I point towards the collapsed Jin Gi at my feet and I can hear you draw a breath at the obvious malice dripping from my words.

Not surprisingly I can see a communal shudder going through the crowd of the remaining underlings. Most of them have heard my voice like this only a few times before and few have lived to tell of it. I almost smile as I can imagine them almost pitying the man who seemingly haphazardly ended up between the wolf and his dinner.

“ ** _What are you doing?_** ” It is obviously not only my underlings who are unnerved by me but In's voice is not as steady as he would like to believe, still thinking he can order me around. Do I really have to make a point out of how utterly meaningless your words are too me.

“ ** _Wasn't getting Sky Lord's neck our purpose of being here originally?"_** Since the Chinese has already left and Cheon has disappeared into the shadows, then I am free to do whatever pleases me, no matter what you say, pig.

“ _ **What did you say?**_ ” Your eyes dart from side to side and a unmistakable tremble has caught your hand. Yes, fear me, for if you utter another word I am not so sure I can hold back myself but I might just kill you out of sheer pleasure. However, you are unfortunately not the only one to notice my bloodthirsty aura.

“Un-ah. Stop this.” For a second In made me forget you but your words bring me right back. I hear a gasp from the crowd. They have obviously never heard anyone address their Master so informally before, and seemingly like an order also. If I wasn't so annoyed with the habit people have today of giving me orders I might just smile at your words. However, now they only render me enraged, red bleeding into the corners of my eyes. How dare you show up after three years, thinking you can order me around like that?

I feel peculiarly strange. Your very appearance have dislodged something inside me and now it s scrambling around making me feel nauseatingly sea-sick. I just stand there trying to balance myself again, finding the inner chamber of reclusion that has saved me so many times during these years. However, it is gone. I almost panic as I realise that I cannot identify the feelings rattling about in my empty soul. Am I angry? Annoyed? Do I want to kill you? Or is it a desperate wish to let you hold me in your arms and seek the comfort I have been denied for so many years? I cannot identify them and I cannot hide them. I look at you and I can see that you are just as confused as me, however tranquil you look on the outside, your eyes are giving you away.  
Are you also fighting to regain you balance? Is your body also swimming with unrecognised desires?  
Whatever it is, even I can feel the tension rising, the hairs on my arms standing out like the seconds before lightning strikes. I can sense how, on pure survival instincts all men except you and me, take a step back from the storm brewing between us.

Then all turns quiet, seductively calm. Everyone collectively holding their breaths.  
Words I have read somewhere burn in my mind and I feel my control slipping.

“ _When the mind does not have any answers anymore let the body take over_ ”

Even if I tried I cannot stop it anymore, and I let go...


	2. Chapter 2

**CHAPTER II: ...and There You are**

It is as if a tornado hit a volcano. Within a matter of seconds we have exchanged so many slashes and pars that no one watching would ever have been able to count them properly. I am ready for the kill, dancing around you with my double blades. You, in turn, stoically block all my slashes with your long heavy sword, yielding it as if it didn't weigh anything at all.

If everyone watching wasn't so caught up in trying to survive the blast from our swordplay they would marvel at the masterly swordplay displayed by two equals. Or almost equal. There is a small difference. A tilting of the scales that determines the outcome before the fight has even started.  
For I am in for the kill while you are merely defending, never attacking full out. And I can see it, clearly.

In a blur of motion I lunge for you, fearlessly throwing myself in the way of your sword. You barely have time to move it out of my way, for move it you do. On purpose.  
I cannot hold back a smirk. I knew that the Baek Dong Soo I know would never want to hurt me, you are just too soft hearted. So I ruthlessly take advantage of it.

The outcome make all onlookers collectively gasp. Some in fear, some in admiration and some in blood lust as my sharp blade carve a distinct path in the fragile skin on your neck, drawing a trickle of blood.

“Un-ah!” Is there a slight tremble in your voice? Is there a slight waver in your piercing gaze? Is there finally a crack in your perfection?

“Now, Baek Dong Soo, shall we negotiate?” The sharp edge of my sword is surely and relentlessly pushing you backwards, as I put more and more pressure on it. Three steps more and you back right in to the wooden door of the abandoned barn behind you. You are cornered and you know it. I lean into you and with a shift of my blade the entire egg is pressing on your throat.  
Your face is only centimeters away from me yet, even with my blade carving paths in your skin and my dark eyes pinning you to the door, you still refuse to look down and admit defeat. You fearlessly look me straight in the eyes and I am rendered aware of the outline of your body and the heat emanating from it. Again you make me remember those stolen moments in the dark when your heat was all I was desperately clinging too. I want to smile but instead I feel fury crawl under my skin.  
What must I do to shake you?  
To shatter your belief in yourself, what must I do, Dong Soo?

Then, before your eyes answer me, I know.

Without turning my eyes from you I calmly issue an order for the rest of my Heuksa Chorong entourage.  
“You can all return, I have no further use for you.” I detect a small tremble in you but then you fearlessly lock eyes with me again and gathering your courage your voice is strong and demanding.  
“and release both of them!”

My underlings that have all started to mindlessly obey my order of leaving, freeze, not knowing exactly what to do. They probably admire you to some degree, the death doomed man pinned by the Sky Lord's blade, that even now can gather as much strength to issue such an order, yet none dare to obey in fear of the my reaction. Astonishingly I find myself agreeing, telling myself that having you fearing for the still tied up Jin Gi and Ji will reduce the results of what I am about to do.

“You heard him. Release the prisoners.”

I briefly notice the slow reactions from my underlings. They probably cannot understand what their Master is thinking and I don't blame them. This is the first time I have done something so out of character. They are used to me being more...ruthless. I can imagine them thinking “Why would they let go of prisoners doomed to die anyway?” However, they obey without clamour probably coming to the conclusion that their Master care nothing for the other victims now that he has gotten a much more valuable prize in his hands.

The released Ji and Jin Gi however are not so fast to obey, not being pleased at all that Dong Soo has taken their place. Jin Gi is the first to openly voice his fears.

“Dong Soo, what about you? I will not leave!” I keep looking into your eyes as you reply, seeing no lies in them even though you somewhere deep inside must know that what you are saying could turn out to be untrue.

“Uncle, it s OK..I am fine...Believe in me...just go..and take care of Ji...Go now!” Hearing the surprisingly firm assurance in your voice Jin Gi reluctantly leave. I can see him thinking that he will return the injured Ji, and surely come back with the entire mountain posse to save you. How beloved you are, Baek Dong Soo. Even with this mortal threat hanging over them, they think only of you. Why is it that you matter so much while I...Again, this peculiar sensation stirs, making me slightly squeamish in my stomach, as if your very closeness moves me in ways that tricks my mind to believe the ground is moving.

I cover it up by focusing on the injured Ji passing me by. I give her slight nod of respect, breaking your gaze for a moment. The instant it gives me is enough to stabilise me and I notice how not only Ji and Jin Gi limp away but also the soldiers leave. In, the rat, has already cowardly sneaked away during our fight.

The last to leave are my underlings. Disappearing one after another I amuse myself by imagining what they can be thinking as I hear some of them snickering. I am sure their imaginations are running wild about whatever their Master is going to do with his poor victim. Most of them probably don’t really want to know. They have all heard stories of me, stories you would never want to repeat at their horror, and cruelness.  
I have heard them myself, these legends of the youngest, most beautiful and deadliest Master of Heuksa Chorong that has ever existed...and despite them being complete fables I have no doubt this will be yet another one to add to the list of my “achievements”. I would laugh if you weren't here.

They all leave, not one of them even once turning back.


	3. Chapter 3

**CHAPTER III: The Little Death**

“Now, Un-ah, I can negotiate.” however your type of negotiation doesn't correspond at all to what I had in mind, for you suddenly lean into me and my blade and before I have the awareness to react, you lightly touch my lips with yours in a sweet, innocent kiss that lights me up like Chinese firework display.

It is the moment where everything gained, evaporates as mist when the sun rise, and all your carefully concocted plans no longer serve their purpose. It is the moment when you realise that all you are, all you ever will be, can be undone in a single, small deed if performed by someone that means everything to you.

Your kiss could not have surprised me more, for I expected your blade and not your piercing honesty to go through my heart. I expected you too be as resentful of me as I am pretending to be of you. I was even masochistically looking forward to see your quiet disdain as you realised what I had become. I did not anticipate this.  
I am so astonished that my blade drops from my hand right into yours. Now I am unarmed, literally naked, and all it took was an unexpected kiss from the most unlikely source. I would like to weep but instead I will get angry. For I see what you are doing. I am mad at you for doing this to me and I am mad at myself for falling for it.

Dong Soo, when did you become so clever? How? How did you know that this would be the only thing that could defeat me.

Dong Soo, when did you learn to be so cruel? I would like to stay mad but instead I only feel excruciatingly sad.

I hurt, I realise. My heart is clenching, rendering me short of breath. You have defeated me in more ways than one by just one small kiss. You now own my blade and you have always owned my heart. Will you now also own my life?

As you say nothing but just look at me I feel my stomach sink and the heaviness of the world is threatening to crush me with its unrelenting power. I feel like a trapped convict waiting to hear his judgement, knowing it can only be death. For there can be only one outcome for all that I have done.

All energy leaves me and I cannot look on you anymore, so I lower my face to the ground, letting my hair cover it. I always knew the end would come, that judgement could never be delayed indefinitely, but Dong Soo, I never thought it would be you. I wished it, oh, how I wished for it but I never really believed it. That the person I cherish the most in this World...would be my executioner.

“Un-ah?” I hear you say my name and it is the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. It rolls of your tongue as the sweetest syrup and for a moment I pretend that all these years have never passed and that right now we are as we were then, before everything came between. Only you can say my name like that. My heart clenches again and something I have always known echoes in my mind.

**“The moment an assassin leads with the heart is the moment he dies.”**

So this is it, Dong Soo. This is the moment. For I have understood now that I can never win, neither over you nor over my own heart.

“Un-ah?” I do not want to look up, for my eyes are drowning in unshed tears, but your voice is so compelling that I cannot stop myself.

I slowly raise my head as my tears start to fall and by the time I reach your eyes they have traced numerous paths in my cheeks. Not that I care anymore. Nothing really matters now. For this is truly the moment. And Dong Soo, I am prepared. Do what needs to be done, I am prepared for anything you will do. As long as you are the one doing it.

I close my eyes as they cross yours, for I do not want to see what is in them, please let me keep the last memories I have of us. Those stolen moments in the dark when you were mine and I was yours and nothing else mattered. I do not want to see the result of my foolish betrayal of your love. Please let me leave this World thinking you still love me like you did then, when I didn't know any better than to throw it all away.

I hear you move, making the swords clink distinctively against each other, and I brace myself. Will it hurt? Will you use yours? Maybe you will return mine, in my heart. Whatever you will do I clench my teeth and wait for the end.

I just wish...wish you would say my name again...

and you do.

“Un-ah!” Then I hear the loud clatter of metal hitting the ground again and before I have time to open my eyes and confirm my suspicion you are crushing me in your arms, your supple lips seeking mine in a kiss that threatens to render me unconscious by the sheer violence of it.

For a second you confuse me. What is your plan, Dong Soo? Why are you doing this? Then I realise that I don't really want to know. It has no meaning anymore. Your kiss has sealed it.  
If this is death I do not ever want to come back to life. Kill me slowly, Dong Soo, for your violent kiss is like the sweetest balm on my abused soul. And my wish is your command as you continue to crush me in your hard arms and your wet tongue presses into my mouth.  
The “what” and “why” doesn’t matter now as I, for the first time in my life, will live by the words I once heard but have never been capable of following.

_“Don't think too much, it's simple.”_

And it is, staggeringly so. Why? Why haven't I done this before?

Is this how it is for you, Dong Soo? So simple, as if the weight of the World doesn't touch you anymore. So, innocently delectable it is. I leave all thoughts behind and just feel you, revel in your kiss, just let go of all unnecessary things cloying my mind.

I hear myself moaning lightly into your mouth and I bring my arms up to grab you and press you harder into me. Your warm tongue against mine feels so awkwardly new yet so familiar and I cannot get enough of it.  
Feeling my response you throw me around and press me aggressively into the wood of the building behind me as you deepen the kiss. It feels ridiculously good being conquered like this, you grinding me into the wood. You make me hard in anticipation as you cover me with your incompliant body and grab my hips, pressing your erection into my hipbone hard enough to bruise.

I reply by opening my mouth wider to let you in and arch into you, seeking more contact. You kiss me as if I am all that can make you live and just as I think I will pass out of lack of air I can feel something give way in the most unpredictable way. It is the wall you have been using as leverage on me and it yields into your sheer power by folding inwards in a huge crash. Completely in your power and unable to break the fall I land hard on the ground with your weight on me, your lips never leaving mine.  
For a few seconds I see stars by the sheer impact but they are quickly forgotten as your delicious weight on me is slowly but surely driving me insane of lust as the cloud of dust, swelled by the crash, settles around us.

I am not even sure you have noticed the wall give in for you just continue your onslaught without stopping and for fairness sake I admit that if I hadn't landed right on top of it I would probably not have noted it either.

That is what you do to me, Dong Soo.  
You fill me so completely that the rest of the world just fades out as a grey mist.  
You make me act in ways I cannot even start to imagine.  
You do things to me that I cannot even start to comprehend. And it feels so good it should be illegal.

You break the kiss and sit back over my erection, straddling my legs. I whine in discontent at the loss of your body and mouth but then I cannot stop my smile as you impatiently start tugging at my clothing and I realise that it is just an excuse to remove my obstructive garments.

You rip and tear to finally peel away my top and I breath in as I see the naked hunger in your eyes as you just watch me, exposed as I am. It strikes me that maybe, just maybe, you are just as starved as I am. Of love, of affection and touch. I so much want to believe that you are as starved of me as I am of you, but I will not venture that far since the answer, most probably, will not be what I want it to be. Instead I just cherish the hunger I see, for it matches mine perfectly. And maybe that is all we need, in this moment.

It feels like forever that you just sit there and watch me but then, as awoken from a daze, you put your hands on my deprived skin and I breath in as you make me shudder in pleasure. How could I have forgotten this touch? Your callous hands caressing me like this awakes all sorts of memories and wishes and I savour the nostalgia, as well as the erotic pleasure of finally having your elusive touch.

You stroke my skin from waist to chest, over my shoulders and down again and every little imprint makes me goosebump. My erection is pressing against your buttocks and I find myself wishing you would move a little, create some friction, to relieve some of the pent-up frustration that is now building up inside me. But then I don't think anymore as you violently rip the chord to my pants and pull them down my hips, to my knees, leaving me almost completely nude in front of your fully clothed self. Not even for a second do I feel embarrassed or ashamed, but rather an infinite sense of power overwhelms me as I see the look in your eyes. It is as if I rule you with only my naked body as weapon, a weapon you cannot stop caressing.

“Dong Soo...” Your name escapes my lips and you look up from my body to my face and before I plead for you to kiss me again you seek my lips in an explosively violent kiss making my head press in to the wood below me bruisingly hard. Your lips never leave mine as you stretch out over my nakedness, your weight reinforcing gravity to an almost unbearable pleasure. I cannot stop the gasps and moans that now flow from my mouth the few moments you let me breath. I am on fire, I am burning like a bonfire constantly rekindled by your touches and kisses. For three years I have not had not one human touch and I have reached my limit by far.

You hold me hard enough to bruise my skin but I do not feel any pain only a heightened sense of being possessed, for I am so craving your touch that I would let you do anything to me right now, as long as you leave your hands on me.

Then, when I think I cannot take anymore of you, you grab me in your arms and flip me around grinding my cheek and erection into the rough wood. I could fight what I know you are about to do but I find myself instead wishing for you to do it rougher, harder. I can hear you ripping the fabric of your garments as you impatiently tries to rid yourself of them, and then you spread yourself on top of me drawing a gasp from me as your hot skin covers mine over the back downwards to my chest and finally my buttocks. You lean into me and starts kissing and nibbling at my exposed neck and shoulder as you grind your naked erection into the curve of my buttocks. I cannot think anymore. My mind is filled to the brim with images of you taking me, your hands, your lips and your eyes. I close my eyes and surrender. I am ready Dong Soo, I have never been more ready. Just take me, please. Take me before I explode all over the rugged wood underneath me.

As if you can hear my mental cries you stick to fingers into my mouth and I eagerly suck on them drawing moans from you in my ear. Then, as you cannot wait anymore you withdraw them and trace my opening with your nimble fingers drawing shudders from me. Just when I think I cannot take any more you insert two fingers into my untested opening and I writhe in euphoria. My mind fills with white light as you pry me open and I struggle not to climax straight away as you hit my sweet spot.  
I would like to voice my pleasure but opening my mouth I find myself wordless and as you continue your assault only choked moans come out.

You withdraw your fingers but before I have time to lament the loss I feel your hard erection teasing my opening. In this moment my entire body craves you like my lungs would air. Baek Dong Soo, you are all I need, you light me up until my mind is burning a blue flames of ravaging euphoria. Nothing could stop us now, not three years, not being on opposite sides of life, not friends pleas nor enemies threats. All I am, all you are, is defined by our actions in this moments and the only thing that makes sense is this need we have for each other.  
It is a need, an unrelenting driving desire. Maybe even sheer survival. Yes, Dong Soo, you are the only thing that I can hold onto in this mad world. You are my sanity. For you I would do anything, anything, as long as your hands never leave my skin.

And you draw your breath in a sharp inhale and then you enter me in one unforgiving thrust that makes me press into the wood hard enough to draw splinters into my tender skin. As you bottom out inside me, the thought that maybe this is not such a good idea strikes me for you are so large and I am so untouched. The pain makes me unable to breath for a second and I automatically tense up to throw you off but your weight relentlessly covers me, making me unable to move even a centimeter. All I can do is draw my breath in shallow gasps and let the pain ebb out through my eyes. I almost smile as I taunt myself for just seconds ago promising you could do anything to me and here I am so soon almost regretting it. But then, just as I am about to cry out loudly in pain, plead to you to please stop, you do. You mercifully stop.  
I can feel your entire body shiver in withheld action as if you are forcefully holding back, instead of ploughing into me deeper. Drops of sweat hit my back as you slowly lean into me again and tenderly place a kiss just behind my ear.  
I realise that you are giving me time. Time for my body to adjust to your sheer size. You must have felt me tense up, maybe even seeing my pain. For a moment it strikes me that maybe you hadn't thought I would be so untouched after all this time, for you must have felt it when you entered me. My heart clenches to think that you would believe me so disloyal, but then I think of how I ruthlessly I discarded you and what you were offering so many years ago and I understand that you have had no reason to think otherwise.  
I was the one inviting you to think I am nothing else than what you are treating me like right now. How would you know that I have already realised my love for you. And even though I thought the love I had would have rusted by now, instead I find that these years seem only to have polished it until it shines through everything I do.

I would like to tell you, but would you believe me, Dong Soo? Or would you think I was lying? Is this revenge Dong Soo? Do you want to make me bleed for what I said then? Do you want to take your comfort in my pain for all the unforgivable things I have done, the people I have killed?  
It matters not anymore for me. You can do as you please, hate me, take me, hurt me, do whatever makes you content as long as you never take your hands off me.

This is what you do to me Dong Soo, you strip me of everything I take shelter in.  
You leave me naked in the storm, you peel me to the core and all I am left with is the desperate need to hold on to you. Only you. And I will beg if you ask me, I will, for I have nothing left except you. Except this.

“Un...ah...” your voice is strained as you breath my name into my ear and you make a semblance as if to continue the sentence but then, as by mistake, slide a little further into me and all you do is draw a sharp gasp and the rest of the words gets lost somewhere in between.

You are still trying to hold perfectly still and I can feel my body slowly relaxing, languidly accepting and the unrelenting pain is slowly giving way for another, more elusive, feeling. My eyes are still full of tears and I shed them, taking a small joy in the fact that you cannot want to hurt me completely as you at least let me get used to you like this. If this was revenge my tears would most definitely be for another reason.

You breath in shallow gasps as you keep nuzzling into my neck leaving a trail of kisses and bites. As much as the first pain overshadowed anything else now your small endearing actions are driving me insane of want. I find myself needing you to move, or do something, that will draw more of that sweet feeling that is now filling my loins.

Again, as if you heard my thoughts you withdraw slightly and thrust right back into me. I cannot hold back a loud moan as you again bottom out. The feeling is unspeakable good. Please, Dong Soo, do it again. And you do. You start with small thrusts, just sliding out of me little and then a violent thrust bottoming out. Every time, you touch my sweet spot and I see stars. I close my eyes when your thrusts become more and more violent.  
Whatever will come after this I do not care anymore. I never want to leave this moment. Your weight, your movements on me, your sweet gasps and moans. Did you just whisper my name? I don't know anymore for I am just as lost as you. I arch my back to meet your thrusts and by the sound of it I am driving you as insane with want as I already am.

As if you need to calm down you raise yourself a little putting one hand on my shoulder blade and the other on my hip and then you drive into me again in a violence I have seldom seen in you. I would like to scream in pleasure but all that comes out is muted chokes and incoherent words. You draw sounds from me I have never heard before, Dong Soo.

The weight of you on my shoulder blade is pressing me painfully into the wood and I feel my cheek rubbing raw against the coarse fibres of the wood. I don't care. My mind is filled with white light of bliss as you grab my hip and start plunging into me again. Your thrust are coming more and more erratic and violent and I know that I cannot hold it any longer. You are too much for me Dong Soo, and not nearly enough. The second before I explode and spill my seed without you ever having touched me, I hear and feel how you, in a final bone-breaking thrust, call out my name and erupt inside me.  
“Un-a.....h....”

I don't know how many times I discharge but at least as many times as I can feel you twitch inside me, filling me with your hot seed. I too would like to say your name but before I have the chance, my mind decides to shut down at the over-saturation of my senses and I blackout thinking that if this is death then I never want to live again.


	4. Chapter 4

**CHAPTER IV: Euphoria**

Darkness never lasts forever, however much you want it to. As I am slowly opening my eyes, harsh light, and reality overflows me and I realise that all that has happened is not just another one of my multiple dreams or futile illusions but it is real. It is as real as the pain I feel everywhere in my body. My cheek feels raw, my bruises after your hands hurt and my lungs ache as if I have run for hours.  
You are lying on top of me, probably collapsed from as much sensory overflow as I did, and as heavy as you are I cherish it. For you have not left. You haven't just taken your revenge on me and left me alone to bleed. You are still here, inside me. And it makes me cry when I really want to smile.

I have no idea how long I was out but it was enough to make my body cool down, the blood to crust and my legs to go numb. I shift a little under your weight and it makes you come to and let out a small moan. Your nails that had burrowed into my hip claw into me once more as you try to stop my subtle movement. I hiss as I realise that I will have a huge bruise there later, as I will in many other places too, after your violent treatment. You make more sounds as you start to awaken and I freeze, not so much from the hurt, but from the sheer terror of waking you up.

Yes, Dong Soo, I am afraid. Waking up like this, reality has again invaded my senses pushing the earlier euphoria to the side, and and I am afraid. Afraid to see your clear untainted eyes, to hear your words, to be defeated again by you. In every way possible.  
For what words can I, or you, possibly say to each other after this? What is this? What should I do? What do you...I never get to think further than that for I, astonished, realise that as you are slowly awakening and your hands again start tracing my abused skin, so are you increasing in size inside of me again, painfully stretching me.  
Do you want me that bad, so soon? The thought pleases me infinitely and I almost smile when an unwelcomed thought sweep past me. Can it be that three years in solitude, focusing on training, might make you painfully indifferent to who your partner might be? I let the idea pass me by quickly for I do not want to know. Instead I let denial slip over me and I take advantage of you by pressing my buttocks closer to you, inviting you in. Even if you might be indifferent, I am not and I will take everything I can from you. Whilst I can. To keep my illusions for as long as I can.

“Un-ah...”  
You sigh my name right in my ear and I cannot stop the shiver that travels down my side, to where your hand is tracing the bruises you just made on me. Your teeth graze the skin of my neck and I also let out a sigh at this tender display. After our rough coupling this feels like balm and I almost smile as you start tracing small kisses down my shoulder and arm making heat coil in my belly. However, as you start to move your hips in small rotating movements I cannot but let out a small sound of pain, for I am so raw and you are so big. My sounds does nothing to stop you though but instead you grab me around the waist and go even deeper. This time I cannot stop my voice to sound out my pain.

“Dong Soo...it...hur..” but you don't let me even start to complain as you in a swift move make us roll of the collapsed wall underneath us, my words disappearing in a shared oumph. We land in a thoughtfully placed pile of hay and I breath out a sigh of content from being freed of the hard splintering wood. However the action made you slip out of me and in an impatient move and discontent sound you flip me around so I face you. Then you grab my legs, put them on your shoulders and drive into me with a desperate force that moves me several decimeters over the floor until we stop, by me hitting my head into a pillar. The sound I must have made cannot be human for what I am feeling in this very moment is more of a animal nature. Blinding pain, exquisite pleasure, sheer fear, desperate need, overwhelming love. They all mix inside me until I cannot but cry out violently, my tears flowing in a constant stream over my face as you keep pounding away inside me oblivious of anything.

..but despite that...  
I missed you, Dong Soo.  
I missed you so much that thought I would perish.  
I missed your face, your touch, your sounds.

Your eyes are closed and small droplets of sweat trace paths in the side of your temple and without realising it I bring my hand up to touch your face. Your eyes spring open as you feel my touch and I quickly withdraw it as I cannot read the look in your eyes. Is it surprise? Fear? Or can it be love? I would like to believe the last one but you give me no chance to see the rest for you lean over me and the hand that has held my leg in a bruising grip now forcefully covers my eyes as you resume you pounding.

For a second I open my mouth to protest but I cannot get a sound out for you cover it with your mouth, prying your tongue inside. For a second I bring my hands up to remove your hand covering my eyes but you take your other hand and without missing a thrust you pin my crossed wrists above my head. I am trapped, caught in the snare that is your body and all I can do is feel the cold fog of betrayal slowly moving through me aiming for my heart.

In a second I have gone from blinding euphoria to my darkest nightmare, the one and only thing I feared more than anything.

You, completely indifferent...to me.

For what else can it be if you cannot even bare to see me in the eyes while taking my body for yours?

And yet I cannot stop the moans that spill over my lips as you over and over again hit my sweet spot, driving me insane with your hands clamping over my eyes and wrists and your tongue thrusting in my mouth at the same rhythm as your hips.  
I wish, I wish I didn't know for this is the most painful torture I have ever been subject of. My own body betraying me so cruelly even as my mind knows of your devious motivation. Every thrust you do to me makes my mind go white in bliss, while every effort to see past your fingers, covering my eyes, make my mind go black in realisation of how utterly unimportant I must be to you.

Your groans are loud in my years and a familiar growl tells me that you are close. While shades of grey drown my mind you make a final thrust and shiver violently, screaming my name as you again spurt your semen inside my abused insides. I cannot but help to climax too, again betrayed by my own body, again without you even touching me.

“Un-ahhh...”

As I blank out in dissonant pleasure I cannot but help thinking that you fill me. By your violent unfeeling act you replenish the empty shell that is me. Yes, fill me to the brim, Dong Soo. For right now it is all I have and ever will have of you.

And when you are finished, please leave...never come before me again...because I don't think I can take it.

I only wish...wish I could see your face as you come, see your eyes swimming in the pleasure you take from my body...for then I could see you leave, still thinking that you somewhere deep inside care for me...at this pathetically desperate thought I find myself biting into my lip hard enough to bleed.

Certainly, this must be revenge.

It is your revenge on me, the me who so cruelly betrayed you and those you love.  
The me that rejected the precious love you once offered.  
The me, tainted by blood from the people who trusted me.  
The me, that once tasted euphoria in your arms.

...and it tasted like heaven...

A heaven I do not deserve...For all you leave me with as you collapse on top of me, satiated and spent, is the taste of blood in my mouth, a saturated darkness covering my eyes and a desperate feeling of having been used.

As it has been all my life...


	5. Chapter 5

**CHAPTER V: This is You...**

“ _Don't think..._ ” the words swim in my head, however I am unable to follow them anymore. Maybe I am just not made that way, unlike you, Dong Soo. No matter how much I would like to let go, just like you, I am utterly unable to. All that I have done before, all that you have done now is filling my mind and the only conclusion I can find is too painful to voice out loud.

As I hear you breath into my neck I know that this must be the instant that I will always remember as when I unfalteringly broke. Forever unrepairable.

My last hope, taken from me. My very reason for still existing snatched away before my eyes. My hidden dream, that was you...

“Dong Soo...my arms?” It is all I can press out through my abused vocal chords. I hardly recognise my raw voice but it does the trick for you suddenly let go of my arms painfully pinned above my head. Mercifully you still hold your hand over my eyes for I do not want to see the look in your eyes nor do I want to show you the look in mine.

As the blood starts coming back into my arms they sting with pins and needles and I slowly lower them, brushing past your skin in my blinded clumsiness and I hear you draw your breath. For a second my own breath gets caught as I believe I have hurt you but then I cannot stop the bitter smile forming on my lips as the thought of me hurting you is utterly ludicrous. I can even feel laughter bubbling up through me threatening to burst out. Here I am torn to unrecognition, viciously taken, bleeding inside out and my vision robbed, yet all I still care about is if I hurt you. I am so utterly ridiculous that I cannot stop my laughter, I have no more force to. Within seconds I am laughing so hard that my body is wrecked in pain from all the marks you have left on me.

“Un-ah?” I can hear the bewilderment in your voice but it is drowned in my laughter...or is it sobbing? Somewhere the shock-induced laughter has transformed into violent sobbing, surprising even me. I would like to tell you to let me go but my voice does not carry anymore and all I can do is cry, my tears catching in your smothering hand.

Maybe I have finally gone insane? Wouldn't that be grand? This is me, Yeo Un, Heuksa Chorong's almighty Sky Lord, as impenetrable as mount Taisan and as calm as the sea, completely and utterly mad, broken beyond recognition.

“Un-ah? What is wrong?” I can hear your words but they just make me sob more violently. What is wrong? Dong Soo, what is right, should probably be a more accurate question since everything here is wrong. Where can I possibly go after this? You have robbed me of everything I had left.

You have robbed me of...you.

And worst is that I deserve it.

I start to tangle myself out of your grip and you, still bewildered, let me. As your hand slips from my eyes my confined tears come down over my face as a burst dam, just as you slip out of me, blood and semen tainting my thighs. I feel a desperate need to cover up, to shield myself from your probably scrutinising eyes. Tell me, Dong Soo, do I look as bad as I feel? No, don't tell me, I don't want to know.

Without the cover of your hand over my eyes I look down, refusing to meet your gaze. I grasp the remains of my vest still hanging off my arms and make a feeble attempt to cover my chest but my arms feel heavy and clumsy. I search the ground with my eyes for my pants and realise they are just next to me. I try to reach for them but the movement sends an unexpected rivulet of sheer pain through me and I cannot stop the sound that spills over my abused lips as I loose balance and threaten to fall over, if it were not for your strong arms catching me.

“Un-ah, stop this.” It is funny how your words, already spoken before, has an entirely different meaning this time. I would laugh again if it wasn't for your arms holding my ribs like a ribbon of unyielding steel.

“Let me go, Dong Soo.” I feel so tired, worn down to the bone. Won't you just let me go, please? What more do you want? You have taken what you need from me and I have cried my eyes out and laughed my lungs empty, what more can you want from me? Your words annoy me, they anger me. Have you not taken everything from me, what more can you possibly take? What more...?

“What more do you want from me, Dong Soo?” You jump in surprise at my volume. Even I am surprised at my raw screaming voice, as if I hadn't expected to say it out loud. However as it comes out, most unexpectedly, it soothes me. My anger is somehow making me feel better, as if loosing everything has gained me a temper. And perhaps a curiosity. I would like to know. Why, Dong Soo?

“Dong Soo. Why did you do this?” I look up into your eyes and this time I keep them locked, for I have nothing more to fear. Tell me Dong Soo, I am curious. Let me hear it out loud. Revenge, wasn't it?

However, to my angry astonishment, you do not coldly reply what I expect to hear but instead you look very flustered, slowly turning a beautiful shade of red all the way to the tip of your ears.  
“Ehh...why...why...what do you mean? Un-ah, I...”

So you don't want to say it out loud? Or is it that you know that I know, already? Then let me rephrase my question.  
“Then, why did you cover my eyes?...Am I...that unsightly?” My heart is clenching as I formulate the words but I want to know. Tell me, Dong Soo, have I in my darkness turned that ugly and twisted? Is the scar on my cheek the most beautiful part of me?

“NO! That's not...It isn't...Unsightly? Not at all...You have no idea how much I wanted...What I mean...” You are flustered and frantic, though I do not know why. Why can't you just say it out loud, Dong Soo? So I can finally let you go...

“Was it...revenge? For what I have done?” If you cannot say it then I will, even though I am hurting so much I am nauseous and the last words are just a whisper as if I cannot bare to say them out loud.  
“Did you enjoy it? Humiliating me?”

“WHAT? Un-ah, that is not what this is! I have never meant....” You seem genuinely taken aback by my words however with your violent denial my anger is fuelled. I am too mad to care for reasoning now.

“Then why? Why did you do this? Why did you come back? Why did you stop me? Why did you take me like this? Why did you cover my eyes?” Despite my best efforts of staying calm I hear my voice increasing in volume for each word until I am almost screaming.  
“WHY?”

I see you open your mouth but no words come out. Your eyes are flickering as if you are deeply considering the meaning of my words. Unable to hold my gaze at first but then, as if you come to a firm decision you suddenly lock my eyes with yours and reach your hand out to gently touch my raw cheek and you speak.  
“I did not want to see into your eyes...for they make me think in infinities...Un-ah...I don't want to see...for they make me think of what could have been...had you not left then...what if...what if you had not thrown me away...what if I had been more important than your fate...these three years that is all I have been thinking of...you and what if...”

Your voice trails out to a whisper yet I feel as if I have a thundering roar in my ears. What are you saying, Dong Soo? It doesn't make sense. You are confusing me and my mind is in turmoil. Nothing is as I had thought nor imagined and your words keep reverberating inside me making me deaf to anything else. I would like to stay mad but instead I just feel disoriented.  
It takes me a moment to realise that you have spoken again, yet as the words seep into me they make even less sense and all I can do is leave my mouth open in astonishment for the words I had on the tip of my tongue suddenly freeze.

“what if...you had...loved me...”


	6. Chapter 6

**CHAPTER VI: ...and Here I am**

It must be a lie. You are lying Baek Dong Soo. You cannot possibly still love me. I am tainted, I have killed, betrayed. There is no end to my sins, so how could what you say possibly be true? I don't want it to be true, for if it is then all these years, all this torment is for nothing.

Everything is for nothing.

My hands grasp the straw underneath me and I inch backwards, away from you, as I try to get a hold of the World that has rapidly started spinning. My knuckles crack as I desperately cling to the dry grass as if they could give me strength enough. Then I feel my hand brushing past something cold and sharp. It is my blade, my lost blade and I have seldom felt such a joy of feeling it. Without a second thought I grab it and point it to you.  
“You are lying...”

Again you look taken aback by my actions and words, for your eyes widen at the sight of my sharp blade pointed straight at your throat.

“Un-ah! What are you doing?”

“Tell me the truth and stop lying.” I stumble on my feet holding on to the pillar behind in support. When my legs feel steady I take a step towards you and put my cold blade against your warm neck.  
“Baek. Dong. Soo. Stop telling lies.”

I feel as cold on the inside as I feel on the outside standing in front of you in just my dishevelled top. I look at your handsome face and those luminous eyes and I cannot get past the fact that you have just lied to me so brutally, too. It makes me angry, a cold violent anger that makes me want to force you to tell the truth. I press the blade closer to your neck and I am rewarded by a tiny sliver of red and your wavering eyes.

“Un-ah, stop this...or I...” Your eyes might waver but your words do not. They are just as strong as you.

“or what? You will tell the truth?” I again put weight on my blade sadistically waiting for the trickle of blood I know will come but to my surprise I am met by cold steel instead of your warm skin. Where did your sword come from?

“I AM telling the truth!” You sound frustrated but not nearly as frustrated I feel being robbed of my leverage. With a quick flick of my wrist I shove your sword away and again place my blade on your tender skin.

“UN-AH! I warned you!” Yes, you did but I do not care. I am too angry to care anymore. I want your blood and your truth and I will get it, one way or the other. More than that, I don't have the time to think, for you lunge at me with lightning speed, your sword pointing my way.

It must be a sight of a lifetime, us two locked in fierce battle, half naked, sex-tousled and mad. I find myself smiling insanely despite my anger, at the sight of you with your pants hanging on your hips and the muscles playing under the skin on your chiselled naked chest. You are so beautiful it is most distracting and several moments I lose my focus as you close in. It is as if the very act of fighting is removing all my anger and doubts just leaving me with the very necessities of survival: you and pure joy. I find myself wishing your pants would fall off so I could see the rest and that the ribbon holding your hair would somehow mysteriously break. And so it does, your hair spills out, freed by the ribbon that is now run through by my blade. Without it you look just as young as before all this happened, you look just as innocent as the first time I had you. Despite my fury it makes my blood sing in the ancient melody named desire.

For a second you are distracted by your hair coming tumbling down but you are a better fighter than that and soon I have your entire fury, as well as your sharp metal, pointing at me again.  
I cannot but stop to taunt you, for no matter how good you are and despite my cuts and bruises both inside and out, I am still...better.

We dance around some more, blades as interlocked as our gazes are. Your steely look of anger suits you so well, Dong Soo, especially with your hair whisping around your face. You are strong and brave and it makes me want to play with you some more. Barely dodging your sword that sweeps past my face I manoeuvre in between your arms until our lips almost touch, our breaths mingling. You take a second to startled stagger backwards, regaining posture, but you have already realised who is the better man whilst I have realised that I want more. Much more.  
Even more so as your pants slowly but surely start sliding off you revealing more of that caramel skin. You look down and try to grab them with your free hand before they fall too far, then you look up with an angry look in your eyes as you see me standing there with the ripped cord in my hand and a confident smirk on my lips. I almost want to laugh out loud for you are so adorable right now, however you don't give me the chance, for you let go of the hand holding your pants knowing you can never defend yourself holding it.

A wise choice, defence before pride. However, as you kick your pants to the side, leaving you completely naked in front of me with your unruly hair curling around you face, I cannot utter a single word. Never have I seen anything so magnificent, anything so utterly desirable as you, naked, angry and embarrassed, pointing a sword at me. I have no idea what my face, or my eyes show in this moment but whatever it is, your eyes unawares, change colour from black to molten honey and you open your mouth slightly as if to say something, but I don't let you.

I dive in, you par, I duck. The confident, angry look in your eyes is gone, replaced by confusion, insecurity and stubbornness. You know you have already lost, yet you refuse to show it. It makes me want you even more.  
A few more minutes of blades dancing and I get a chance. In a sprint I lock you against a wooden pillar with my sword sliding against yours in a sharp screech.  
You are beautiful when cornered, Dong Soo. Staggeringly so. Your eyes defy me as your naked body is pressed into mine, my original mission completely forgotten as our skin barely touch in the most erotic way.

“Now, Dong Soo, shall we take up our negotiations?” And I seek your succulent lips, letting my tongue pry your unwilling mouth open, sucking on your tongue and nibbling on your underlip until all resistance leaves you. Without leaving your lips I take advantage of your confusion and disarm you, as you did me before, leaving you completely in my power.

As soon as your sword clatter to the ground your hands come up to grasp my back and press me into you with a force threatening to make us breathless if we were not so already by the kiss. I find the earlier unwilling lips turning soft and pliable under mine and your response lights fires of euphoria within me, as they always have.  
Having our positions switched like this is making me painfully hard as memories of you writhing underneath me cloud my mind. I am having a hard time focusing on anything except you arching into me rubbing against my erection and your warm tongue tracing mine in circles. It is as if three years of deprivation has put me on the edge and you are surely driving me over it, despite my earlier saturation.

I am falling and as I do animal instinct take over. A random thought briefly crosses my lust-hazy mind. Is this how you felt when you took me? As if you didn't have a choice? As if all that stood between you and complete annihilation by deprivation, was me? But before it can make sense you let out a moan into my mouth that relieves me of any other thoughts. I drop my sword and before it has touched the ground I have violently flipped you around, locking your arms behind your back pressing your face into the pillar behind you.

You are just as delectable from the back as you are from the front, your hard carved muscles rippling underneath your sweat damp skin as you struggle in my grip. My free hand traces your neck and down over your spine and you cannot stop the shiver, nor the moan from rippling through you. Before I reach the cleavage between your buttocks my hand is wet with your sweat and the lingering drops on your back is slowly making their way with gravity. I am almost shaking in withheld desire to just shove into you and release my up-pent sexual frustration, that you have fuelled with your display in naked swordsmanship just moments ago. Instead I trace between your buttocks until I reach your puckered opening with my moist fingers, drawing a gasp from you that can be nothing but pleasure. I continue my journey between your legs as I gently cup your heavy balls drawing even more gasps from you and you ever so subtly pout your ass out, almost as if against your own wishes.

I would be thoroughly amused by your wanton need if I was not fully occupied to keep my myself in check. I move my hand to come around and grasp your hard erection while I press myself into your damp skin, my own erection resting between your butt cheeks. You make more incoherent sounds as I begin to stroke you, fisting your hard cock in my hand. You move you hips ever so little as if you are struggling to not take pleasure from what I am doing but all you do is rubbing my hardness against your smooth opening, driving me, and most probably you too, almost insane with want.

I cannot but help myself from licking the sweat off your back and the teasing motion of my tongue against your skin makes your cock swell even more as you gasp out. I can feel how close you are but I won't let you, not yet, so I remove my hand drawing a small mewl of disappointment from you that turns into a moan as you again feel my hand on your buttocks.  
I let my hand trace up to your opening again and this time I tease you even more by slowly, slowly inserting my finger into your heated channel. You give out a choked sound and then you press your ass against my hand letting my finger slip in to the knuckle. Just to tease you even more I add another finger, stretching you until I feel you voluntarily comply with my ministrations, then I add another one. By now you are panting and writhing against me, you arms still locked in my firm grip. Just keep on struggling, Dong Soo, I will keep this up until you beg me. Beg me, Dong Soo...and to my surprise you do.

“Un-ah...please...naaaahhhh.....” You almost push me over the edge just with your breathy cries but I want to hear it.

“Please what, Dong Soo?”

“ta...take...me...pleeeeease...” and I do before I explode all over your sweaty back. Grabbing my erection I shove it into you in one hard thrust pushing you into the pillar with a loud cry. Now it is my time to gasp as your narrow heat is closing in on me painfully. I would like to take you slow and languorously but instead I find myself desperately thrusting into you while my free hand grabs your leaking erection. Somewhere in the back of my head can I feel you tense up in pain but it is impossible now to give you any respite and a sudden thought brushes past me that this is how you must have felt thrusting inside me earlier. Your cries, your smell, your ass grinding into me as I bottom out in you is driving me completely wild and I can feel my balls tightening up in pretext of climax. Just as I think I cannot take it anymore you suck in your breath and give out a loud groan, your cock exploding in my hand coating both it and the pillar in your sticky liquid. For every spurt your ass milks my cock and I can only close my eyes and moan loudly into your ear as I unexpectedly erupt, filling your insides with my semen, my mind drowning in the euphoria that is you.

My legs are shaking as I finally let go of your arms and slip out of you, however I cannot make myself take a step away from you. I want to linger in your presence, soak up the light surrounding you and the warmth emanating from your skin. So I lean into your back, grabbing your waist with my arm. Somehow it feels awkwardly tender, as if I am new to it. I have no words to say to you anymore, they have all vanished in our coupling, together with the anger and angst. As if you have cleansed me.

I feel you breath in deeply and then you whisper the words that only you can say...and mean.

“Un-ah, I will...no I cannot ever...give up on you.” You hand comes up to cover mine that is resting on your flat abdomen. Steadying yourself with the other hand against the pillar you slowly turn around, our sticky skins brushing against each other. Your face is curiously serene as you look at me with those clear eyes, still holding my hand.  
“...don't you know that?”

and then you add something that I will always, always remember. Something I have always needed to hear even though I didn’t know it myself.

“and forgive me...for abandoning you...”  
And it strikes me with a deafening loudness, like standing inside a chiming monastery bell, that all of this is in my head. All the hurt, pain and angst I thought was my cruel fate, is all in my head. There is no such thing, and I am not obliged to blindly follow it. I am the one hurting me.

 ** _“You are ready to kill...”_**  
I am the “Black Star” I have created myself, not you, not my father nor fate.

 ** _“Un-ah, you betrayed us?”_**  
The grievous wounds I caused in the name of fate, I gave myself as well.

 _“you will become a huge black star that...swallows the light from all the others...”_  
All this time it has been me, not you, misunderstanding.

 ** _“That is the look of a killer...the look of someone ruling life and death.”_**  
All this time I have been slowly bleeding to death, mortally wounded by my idealised idea of my fate.

 ** _“I cannot ever...give up on you.”_**  
Until you.

I would like to tell you all this but the weight of my realisation glues my tongue to the pallet. Not a word passes from my lips, yet, I am sure my eyes are giving me away for you give me a smile that lights up your eyes until I am almost going blind by looking at you. Just like so many years ago.

Baek. Dong. Soo. By this one sentence...  
You have set me free.

And with that profound understanding I can finally smile, a true smile from my heart, as you envelop me in your strong arms in an embrace that contains all of you.

Baek Dong Soo, you are so strong. Stronger even than fate.

Undoubtedly, even if you are not mine, I belong to you. I always have and I always will...for I have realised that black is not the colour of darkness and despair.

It is where the pale light of the moon and the stars are as most beautiful and brilliant.


	7. Chapter 7

**EPILOGUE**

Night has already fallen and the sky is littered with lights, as we exit the capsized barn and start making our way down the mountain. As I look up to see the small hopeful stars in the massive darkness I feel as if a great burden has been lifted of my shoulders. I have decided, Dong Soo. I will turn my black star into something else, something beautiful, because you made it possible.

Thank you, Dong Soo.

You hold my hand the entire way, yet we speak no words for there is nothing more to say. I know. You know. That is all we need.

As we reach the crossroad you stop a step ahead of me. We both know that this is where we part, but not forever. Never again. Our paths were maybe never meant to go parallel to each other, but they will certainly, certainly cross, every now and then, for short moments that will mean everything to us. That is enough. That small happiness is enough, for at least I get to have that. Still we are both reluctant to let go.

I open my mouth to say something, anything, but you beat me to it by suddenly turning around and seeking my lips in a kiss that weakens my knees, speeds up my heart and makes all the years of anxiety, insecurity and self loathing melt away like butter in sunshine. Then you let me go just as abruptly and your eyes are glittering as you throw me your usual wide smile that is so contagious, a smile containing all the joy and content mirroring my fluttering heart so perfectly.  
“Un-ah, next time for sure...I will beat you!”

I try very hard to not show that the corners of my mouth are pointing upwards, using all my acting skills in trying to answer you coolly, when I really want to burst out laughing until my lungs ache by your innocent return to our earlier days. And the answer I give is the only answer we need.

“Baek Dong Soo...maybe next time...I will let you...”


End file.
